I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
