"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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