He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
