i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
There's a naked man in my car right now.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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