Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
