I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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