??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
