When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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