the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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