he wants to bone in the snuggie
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
