people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
