come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we're making bets on your personal life
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
