What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
