Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Green mimosas i think yes
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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