i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
