I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We talked him into tasing himself.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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