Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
