I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize