I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
