The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
