my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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