She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
