Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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