Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
