I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
