mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
