woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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