you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
