You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
