I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize