I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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