You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
