Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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