I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
