Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
