when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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