i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
