and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
