So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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