Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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