Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
