I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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