And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
