she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
