If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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