I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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