sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
