I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
