someone owes me an orgasm
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
