Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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