if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
