She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Randomize
