A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
