seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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