3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
