Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
