last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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