Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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