hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
